I make up these scenarios in my head and live in denial. All these stories that I conjure which might never happen. At least I don't think about you. I try not to. I want to write this long post about you, how you make me feel and all of that and how I do wanna meet you again and again in a good way. How I do wanna go away but want you to be a part of the happiness in my life. Not the part where I pine for you like I have pined the last couple of months. Not the part where you vanish for days altogether. Some days I am like am I a fool or not?  How could I ever fall for that! Mum says I am sensitive yet very strong and resilient. Maybe I am all of that but I didn't ask for this. We never do. Do we ask to set our hearts on emotionally unavailable people? How do I do this to myself time and time again?

I don't want to write about how much I'd want you to figure this out and come around. It is futile. I don't even look for signs anymore. I stopped looking for them years back. Signs can be so misleading. I keep listening to some songs again and again but I also know life isn't a movie no? I wish it was, I wish you woke up one fine day with this unbearable empty feeling inside of you realising I am the one who you are missing and rush back to India looking for me, looking for an answer. But how many times have I wanted people in my past to do that and how many actually did? Only R maybe and look how it ended. I hurt him sooooooooo badly. I did not mean to but I did. I read my old blog posts and realise how I never meant to be the bitch I ultimately was or the coward I looked like at the end. I gave up but only cause I did, he met this fabulous, gorgeus, lovely girl and they lead such a happy life. I wasn't lucky for him.

I imagine S and I. The way we use to be and then I imagine S falling in love with me. How badly I wanted it then. The only person who filled me up to the brim without touching me was S. That is my idea of love. Rest it has been only emotional neediness. Too many stories, too many people come and gone. I am tired. I am tired of asking the Universe for the right kind of romantic love. Just look at my blog posts. I look like an emotional idiot. I keep asking, wanting, pining. Nothing changes as such. I meet strange, stranger, strangest people. All these emotionally unavailable charming people. On bad days I pray to Dad to send the right man into my life fast. I wonder if Dad listens. Sigh! Goodbye A. I wish so many things but it is pointless writing it down or putting it in words. Have a good life. I refuse to be sentimental and say anything. 

My love list

My love list 1. A sense of humour. 2. Financially stable. 3. Honesty 4. Loyalty 5. Self-made 6. Respect for me and my family 7. Gives me my freedom 8. Trust worthy 9. Loves music, loves to dance 10. Loves to read 11. Loves travelling 12. Loves to exercise 13. Trusts me 14. Independent 15. Sexy Not necessarily in this order. ;) Hope whosoever he is he finds me and we can live our dreams together. __________________________________________________

This could be the end of everything

Will it always be like this? I’ll be hung up on some emotionally unavailable man who’ll want me but only in shifts and I’ll have a bunch of dreams I’ll want to come true and this life I wanna live a particular way . There’ll be marriage knocking on my door in the form of some man who doesn’t interest me. Then there’ll be Mum always eager for me to finally settle down, like literally settle down for something and not be sooooo persistent with living this gypsy life that I live. For the first time in a long long time I found something I love to do. Is it wrong to want to make a life out of this? I know how happy it made me, every word I read of it, every class I attended, every lecture I heard, every answer I gave in class, every inch of it. I love, love this and I want this with a passion I never thought I would. I never thought at 30 I’d fall in love with something I thought I lost at 18. It made everything in Singapore worth it. It didn’t matter that I had to share a room with someone after 7 years, that I lived in the library all day just so I didn’t cross paths with my roommate, that day after day I shared the loo with 10 people, that I hated this city with all my heart, I never thought I could hate a place as much as I hated SG and how all of that changed and only because of my classes and some new people I met. I can’t believe I’ll be leaving all of this for a corporate job. Nooooooooooooooo. I want to do this. Hell I wanna work in the UN and hell I have to find a way to get in and hell I will. What do I say about this man I am smitten with? That I’ll probably never meet him again. That my last evening with him was magical. That if my life was a movie that evening would be the most romantic bit, the part where she realises there is more to this, the part where something stirs in him but she isn’t sure. That I’ll just let him, let me go away and I’ll never breathe a word. That this man is flawed but I still wanna be with him. That he makes me laugh. That he pokes and probes and reveals and leaves me feeling empty and wanting more.

I'll never forget last evening. And I am gonna walk away again cos you are walking away. I am not meant to show emotion. You are allowed to. I am not. I am only meant to meet one emotionally unavailable man after the other, who let me walk away time and time again. Then I am asked why do I settle for evenings of passion. The answer is the ones I like only ever wanna give me evenings of passion and not lifetimes of togetherness. Even if I had the most fabulous evening in years with someone who makes me laugh, makes me feel wanted when I am with him, I am supposed to walk away without saying a word. That is exactly what I am gonna do. Three weeks and I am gone. You'll never ever ever hear from me again. No you won't. You know where to find me. But you are not gonna hear from me again ever ever.

Either make me immune to this emptiness. Just make me immune please. I cannot make peace with being alone every single day of my life, I cannot. I try to but I can't. I cannot make myself happy every day. I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee being single, just hate it. And nooooo I am not gonna settle down for some Tom, Dick and Harry. Take these needs away. I'll be fine. I'll be able to find the positive and blessings in my life again. This is not who I am. I am not soooooo needy emotionally. Why, why, why? Why give me these needs and then not satisfy them? You like to see me pining for something I can't get forever and ever. Seriously! I am sooooooooooooooooooooooo tired of wanting someone I want to want me with his whole mind, body and soul. Nobody comes, no one. You only watch me wither away bit by bit, day by day. And if I ended my life then? You won't get that satisfaction to watch me fight and fail everyday. I thought after Dad passed away someone I'd find love cause I of all the people deserved it. But you never thought so. Not even once you thought I did. The whole world does but not me. You just wanted me to meet one emotionally unavailable man after the other. You won. I'll keep fighting this battle and you can keep watching me being miserable everyday. Thank you God. I feel wonderful and complete. Thank you sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much.

I sat on the park bench today and cried my heart aloud. I was being a baby. You don't sit on park benches in foreign countries and cry out aloud unless you wanna look like a fool. I felt like one. I felt down, low, disillusioned. I am tired of finding happiness inside of me time and time again. I am tired of being my own knight in shining armour. It isn't easy. I know I can be alone and happy and independent but now it is tiring me. I wanna lean on someone. I am tired of doing this entire jiggy alone. On bad days or rather when some bad news disturbs me, I sometimes crave for a hug or to be just held and to be told it'll be alright. I know I'll have to continue this show alone cos tears are not the answer to anything. Crying it out doesn't help. The tears stop, you get up, wipe them off and walk on. It helps when after all your howling on that park bench you get a text from a friend saying "coffee and icecream"? You can't believe your luck. You text them back so relieved that atleast someone heard your crying prayers. I remember this Richard Bach quote I read when I was younger and some part of me took it too seriously. Arghhhhh! "We wait all these years to find someone who understands us, I thought, someone who accepts us as we are, someone with a wizard's power to melt stone to sunlight, who can bring us happiness in spite of trials, who can face our dragons in the night, who can transform us into the soul we choose to be. Just yesterday I found that magical someone is the face we see in the mirror: It's us and our homemade masks .All these years and at last we met. Imagine that...." I know I am strong, I know somedays I feel like magic, I am funny, I am smart, I am quirky and all of this and that. I can be rock solid,I can be ridiculously stupid, silly, I can make a complete fool of myself, I can be a moron, I can be quite the brazen hussy, I can be the Queen Of Self Pity, I can be an embarassment, I can hate myself, I can be a love sick heartbroken looney for years, I can be this pining, needy, clingy girl, I need self assurance every now and then, I can hit rock bottom, I can shock you, I can be the bestest friend to some of my friends, I can be quite the bitch,I can be lost in the dark, I won't recognise myself then, I'll hate myself, I can get out of all of that self hate and self loathe and find myself again, I can manage to metamorphose into this woman I am today, this woman I knew I could be, wanted to be, but somehow hadn't had the courage to be, this woman I am growing to love. I love myself on most days these days. I love my curves, I love my big butt, my big bust, I never thought I would. I made peace with my scanty hair, I love the brown colour of whatever hair that is left, the fact that it looks brown in the sun. I found something I love to do. Is that the reason? I don't know if I can manage to do that for the rest of my life though. I wish and pray I can do this forever, earn a decent living through this. I never ever thought I would find this "me" again. I lost this me for 12 whole years. I wish I found love though. I stopped looking for it as much as I did my entire twenties. The kinds that'll fill my emptiness and take this ache away. I don't need to find myself through him. I just need him to walk by my side. I already found myself, I did. And I did all of that all by myself. But now I need a partner, I so do. I don't want crumbs God.

I shall live. I shall live.

When I was 23 a friend set me up with her bookish cousin who in hind sight was a sweet boy. He was a book worm, majorly into sci-fi books and animated series and flicks. I would actually wake up at 6:30 AM every day and sit yawning in front of the TV to catch the latest episode of the cartoon series just so we could talk about it. Some days he would wake me up through consecutive missed calls ensuring I didn’t miss the episode. Those were the days of the missed calls. Missed calls meant call me back right now cause I don’t have balance or it meant call me back later cause Mum won’t let me use her phone and she gets an itemised bill that shall give her all the gory details about me at the end of month and she’ll get to know exactly which boy I have been romancing over the phone, at the most unearthly hours. I digress. So the boy took me out a couple of times and we went trapezing on his bike around the entire city, went for walks on the beach, had ice creams and one day he got me a soft toy. It was a dog and I named it Jumble. I was young, just out of college, waiting to begin my first job and despite thinking I was mature beyond my years I actually loved that soft, fuzzy toy. Jumble got lost somewhere along way, shifting cities and jobs, time and time again. The boy and I parted as we began, as friends. Boys and men have come and gone. We meet and we part. Like someone said men come and go and they indeed do. Now that I shall be 30 in about 7 months, people also tell me that it won’t always be like this. There’ll come a time when age would have played havoc with your looks and men won’t find you attractive anymore. In short they are warning me against the perils of being the possible old maid or spinster. I laugh and ask them what makes them think that I have always had constant stream of admirers throughout my twenties and not that I surround myself with men who fancy me and have never done so. I don’t flatter myself about the men in my life. Of course I do like the periodic bouts of incessant attention but there has never been any guarantee of uninterrupted attention and no stable relationship and it has all been so transitory. So yeah for now I am gonna hope something good does come along someday and if and when it doesn’t come, well I have my work, my life. That is one thing I have had, I have and I shall have. And I shall live. I shall live.