This could be the end of everything

Will it always be like this? I’ll be hung up on some emotionally unavailable man who’ll want me but only in shifts and I’ll have a bunch of dreams I’ll want to come true and this life I wanna live a particular way . There’ll be marriage knocking on my door in the form of some man who doesn’t interest me. Then there’ll be Mum always eager for me to finally settle down, like literally settle down for something and not be sooooo persistent with living this gypsy life that I live. For the first time in a long long time I found something I love to do. Is it wrong to want to make a life out of this? I know how happy it made me, every word I read of it, every class I attended, every lecture I heard, every answer I gave in class, every inch of it. I love, love this and I want this with a passion I never thought I would. I never thought at 30 I’d fall in love with something I thought I lost at 18. It made everything in Singapore worth it. It didn’t matter that I had to share a room with someone after 7 years, that I lived in the library all day just so I didn’t cross paths with my roommate, that day after day I shared the loo with 10 people, that I hated this city with all my heart, I never thought I could hate a place as much as I hated SG and how all of that changed and only because of my classes and some new people I met. I can’t believe I’ll be leaving all of this for a corporate job. Nooooooooooooooo. I want to do this. Hell I wanna work in the UN and hell I have to find a way to get in and hell I will. What do I say about this man I am smitten with? That I’ll probably never meet him again. That my last evening with him was magical. That if my life was a movie that evening would be the most romantic bit, the part where she realises there is more to this, the part where something stirs in him but she isn’t sure. That I’ll just let him, let me go away and I’ll never breathe a word. That this man is flawed but I still wanna be with him. That he makes me laugh. That he pokes and probes and reveals and leaves me feeling empty and wanting more.