Baby If you are stingy then I am just not that Into You...

I finally did snap out of it and it happened in a split of a second during that 10 minute conversation and I saw *** for exactly what *** is worth. I guess this experience has actually made me appreciate some people in my life whose generosities never seemed larger than life before but now from my perspective they do. I knew about the big bad world before and I knew about those wolves who came dressed in the sheep’s clothing or the devils who are on the prowl under the garb of an angel. Met a very interesting variety of people in the last couple of years or so but this time I am actually baffled on how someone can have all the right credentials and look so regular and yet when you scratch beneath the surface something so fundamental is oh so wrong. Bottom line being baby if you are gonna be this stingy then I am just not that into you. Period.

And now you know...

I know you but I don’t know you. We’ve met but we haven’t met. Do I miss you? Hmmmm no but I can grow to miss you. I have so many questions in my mind. I wonder if I can make you laugh or I wonder if the time would fly when we are together. Together as in friends together and don’t worry I don’t hope for anything melodramatic and out of the blue. I have no idea how this is gonna be. I wish I could say that I am totally convinced about you and me but I am not cos I actually have no idea what you think of me but for the fact that I can fluster you and get you all worked up when you think I am angry with you. I like talking to you but I keep waiting for that one perfect conversation. I love your patience though cos I wasn’t born with much of it. That is something I have to learn from you if you are gonna be around in my life in the way I want you to. You know I never knew what I was fishing for when I first started pinging you hoping that one day you would ping me back. I must’ve pinged you some 4 times before you got around to take notice of me and pinging me on your own accord. By then I had kinda forgotten about you thinking this guy just isn’t interested. I still don’t know how interested you are. I remember bugging Par and Shivi about what I should talk to you about on chat and later how to sustain a conversation on phone. I remember writing points down before our nightly conversations and the conversations just never turned out to be the way I wanted them to. Everything has been so unexpected and I mean it. It just isn’t the way I thought it would be and maybe its gonna continue in the same fashion. I am clueless Sunshine completely clueless. The funniest being the fact that you call yourself Sunshine and that is what I use to call S. S was my sunshine but didn’t quite turn out to be my sunshine at the end of it.

I was so much in agony yesterday and I was dying wondering when are you gonna call, when are you gonna react and do I make any difference to you? I hate playing hard to get but with you I am compelled to play hard to get at times. I don’t wanna scare you with the intensity of my emotions. I try so hard to play cool, act like I don’t care half as much as I do. Sigh! But now you know. Yes you know.

Here I come

And Company Secretary it is. That is what we are gonna be in another 2 years or so. Yes! :-) We are gonna work in an audit firm and earn loads of mullah and we are finally gonna work as an Independent Consultant at our own pace and do our own thing.

Na this isn't gonna be easy but for once lets channelise our energies in the right direction however insipid the studying might get cos its the end that matters and at the end when one has a CS its gonna be such a high. Yup! :-) This seems doeable or undoeable? Would Dad have approved of it? I wonder if he would have. All this while I wanted to run away to Africa, Afghanistan and even Iraq and I guess I still would wanna but for my poor Mother heheh! Naaaa this is what I am gonna do. I made up my mind now.

Sunshine on my shoulders

Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy

Sunshine in my eyes can make me cry

Sunshine on the water looks so lovely

Sunshine almost always makes me high

If I had a day that I could give you

I’d give to you a day just like today

If I had a song that I could sing for you

I’d sing a song to make you feel this way

Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy

Sunshine in my eyes can make me cry

Sunshine on the water looks so lovely

Sunshine almost always makes me high

If I had a tale that I could tell you

Id tell a tale sure to make you smile

If I had a wish that I could wish for you

I’d make a wish for sunshine all the while

Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy

Sunshine in my eyes can make me cry

Sunshine on the water looks so lovely

Sunshine almost always makes me high

Sunshine almost all the time makes me high

No I don't wanna like you not one bit, not at all..

I think I should be the last person to be falling for someone that too when its a long distance thingie. I am soooooooo insecure and I just don't make things easier for myself. Not needed only. All this texting and talking.Unknowingly he'll make me get use to him and then I'll start expecting and then I don't know. If he vanishes for too long I start feeling like a psycho wondering why hasn't he messaged or called and whats wrong.
I so wish I was unaffected but I am not. Ditzy darlin' what am I gonna do now since I am falling headlong into it I think. Can I stop myself from falling and plunging and hurting? Gimme a safety jacket please. I don't even know you well enough to like you. Sigh! Am I imagining the liking or its mutual?Are we on the same page or we'll just keep gliding along aimlessly like the rest?

Will you walk with me in my life Ditzy?

And I am smiling again. Sigh! Cos all of a sudden this 6ft something tall man sitting a thousand miles away makes me happy with the smallest of things like messaging me or asking me if I am single or wanting to know what kinda music I like. Darn I'd thought nobody could like me back as much as I like the person. Maybe you do or maybe you will. :-) But I am plain old gleeful today cos I know I've been lonely and sitting around waiting for someone like you for the longest time to the point that I made myself start believing that it isn't gonna happen and its only for other people not me. But again I still hoped and kept hoping in my heart of hearts. Fuddy Duddy will you walk with me in my life Ditzy? :-)

Some of us are looking at the stars

I really wonder why wanting to do  a JD and going to law school again is illiogcal. I mean hell I am not saying I am planning to study for 5 years more. Na I just wanna do a degree course that would be so much more substantial than an MALD or an LLM. And tis so pissing off that I cannot write what I want on my blog cos tis seems the whole wide world reads it. I mean I have made the act of being vague such an art. I can't even talk about the men I wanna be talking about. Sigh! 

Like NC for instance. So yes he was a jock in school, the kinds who sings, dances, excels in both, acts, plays the violin, runs like a dream and the works. There was I the kinds who hardly ever managed attracting the attention of the jock. But yeah that did not stop me from swooning when he sang " Smooth" on stage and that is one stage act I cannot seem to forget. The likes of him did not notice the likes of me and I came across his Facebook profile and randomly added him on a whim and lo behold he accepted it.

One of those silly crushes I guess. All I ever do is check out his pics sometimes and he makes me wanna believe that I'll get to that elite HLS. Can I? I have been wondering what it can be if I get through. Ofcourse LSAT is the biggest hurdle in the middle and damn I saw a sample exam and it just boggled me.   I need a score of 165 at the least besides a brilliant essay and excellent recommendations. 

I am gonna meet Madam P for dinner today at Chung's. I am gonna miss this carefree existence but at the same time I am gonna be free of all this tension at work. I wasn't me cos this scared timid being is definitely not me. I am not saying that I am some activist who always voices out her opinions but nor am I this wimpering wuss I had turned into over here. 

So here's to new beginnings despite the e-mail that bounced, the job thats gone, the home that is depressing, a journey that I wasn't keen to embark upon. I don't know where I am going but I am on my way....

And thus I am

So here it is. A brand new blog and a brand new start. Lets see how long I remain anonymous. Today was a momentous day in my life. I am on the wrong side of 25, almost jobless and with a bunch of unfulfilled dreams. I have these big, big dreams that seem almost impossible right now as the pay cheque shall not be coming in from next month. My personal life is in tatters. I kept trying and trying and trying and I have hit rock bottom. I don't know why I still light at the end of this tunnel. Yes I do, I still do. :-)

"I do not fear failure. I only fear the "slowing up" of the engine inside of me which is pounding, saying, "Keep going, someone must be on top, why not you?"