I can’t be Carrie and even if I do want you to be my Mr. Big it shall never be so. I know now that in some inexplicable way I keep coming back to you. These patterns are so disturbing and this not wanting to move on and yet moving on is very unlike me. I always believed in clean cut breaks when I throw a huge tantrum asking the most cliché questions like do you want this or not or my way or the high way, there is drama bordering melodrama and then there is silence and then the agony of waiting and finally I give in and beg and cry again and then there is denial and wooossshhh one fine day after months of denial there is the moving on. No questions happened this time, there was no drama, I didn’t even shed a tear until a week after we said our goodbyes but I do feel empty without you and that void, damn it that void nobody fills up. Phone calls initially seemed too impersonal and left me feeling even more hollow because we had so much and suddenly it was reduced to just these vacant conversations. Slowly I found my contentment in these daily 5 minute phone calls but now even these shall cease to exist. God I wish this was different. I wish you could be there by my side the way I want you to be. I wish my wishes didn't feel this futile.