Somedays I am sad...

And I read a blog post that reminded me of you. Reminded me how you must have felt and still feel maybe. I guess I could and couldn’t relate to it. I don’t even know why but I decided to mail you after 3 weeks of cutting myself off completely. It has been therapeutic, this cutting away completely. Like you said I am an ostrich and ostrich I shall be. I am glad you don’t read this blog and don’t know of its existence. Anyhow receiving that auto-response from your account surely made me feel a teeny meeny bit silly or just ridiculously foolish.
I think we grow older only to become more and more cold and numb. If this had happened a couple of years earlier I would have been broken. Now it is easier to make myself believe that it never happened. That is the only way to make peace with myself. Many days I even forget that you were there in my life for that short span of time and that you are gone forever. I imagine what it would be like to bump into you. I always think of myself as successful , happy, doing very well for herself and slim of course and one fine day we bump into each other on the street on a rainy day in London or Paris or even New York almost as if strangers were passing by.
I always always think of us running into each other in London. Silly me. You’ll be your old jovial, witty self and with an insipid girl who’ll be far removed from what I am. Yeah you have a thing for lifeless women with dead pan expressions on their faces. I‘ll be me all joyful and you’d be astounded to see me after all these years and wondering how I landed up in your city and you never heard a word of it. You’ll look at me and realize what you missed out on. I won’t feel a thing cos I wouldn’t like the you that you turned out to be. No I wouldn’t be in love with the you that you are gonna be.

Baby If you are stingy then I am just not that Into You...

I finally did snap out of it and it happened in a split of a second during that 10 minute conversation and I saw *** for exactly what *** is worth. I guess this experience has actually made me appreciate some people in my life whose generosities never seemed larger than life before but now from my perspective they do. I knew about the big bad world before and I knew about those wolves who came dressed in the sheep’s clothing or the devils who are on the prowl under the garb of an angel. Met a very interesting variety of people in the last couple of years or so but this time I am actually baffled on how someone can have all the right credentials and look so regular and yet when you scratch beneath the surface something so fundamental is oh so wrong. Bottom line being baby if you are gonna be this stingy then I am just not that into you. Period.

And now you know...

I know you but I don’t know you. We’ve met but we haven’t met. Do I miss you? Hmmmm no but I can grow to miss you. I have so many questions in my mind. I wonder if I can make you laugh or I wonder if the time would fly when we are together. Together as in friends together and don’t worry I don’t hope for anything melodramatic and out of the blue. I have no idea how this is gonna be. I wish I could say that I am totally convinced about you and me but I am not cos I actually have no idea what you think of me but for the fact that I can fluster you and get you all worked up when you think I am angry with you. I like talking to you but I keep waiting for that one perfect conversation. I love your patience though cos I wasn’t born with much of it. That is something I have to learn from you if you are gonna be around in my life in the way I want you to. You know I never knew what I was fishing for when I first started pinging you hoping that one day you would ping me back. I must’ve pinged you some 4 times before you got around to take notice of me and pinging me on your own accord. By then I had kinda forgotten about you thinking this guy just isn’t interested. I still don’t know how interested you are. I remember bugging Par and Shivi about what I should talk to you about on chat and later how to sustain a conversation on phone. I remember writing points down before our nightly conversations and the conversations just never turned out to be the way I wanted them to. Everything has been so unexpected and I mean it. It just isn’t the way I thought it would be and maybe its gonna continue in the same fashion. I am clueless Sunshine completely clueless. The funniest being the fact that you call yourself Sunshine and that is what I use to call S. S was my sunshine but didn’t quite turn out to be my sunshine at the end of it.

I was so much in agony yesterday and I was dying wondering when are you gonna call, when are you gonna react and do I make any difference to you? I hate playing hard to get but with you I am compelled to play hard to get at times. I don’t wanna scare you with the intensity of my emotions. I try so hard to play cool, act like I don’t care half as much as I do. Sigh! But now you know. Yes you know.

Here I come

And Company Secretary it is. That is what we are gonna be in another 2 years or so. Yes! :-) We are gonna work in an audit firm and earn loads of mullah and we are finally gonna work as an Independent Consultant at our own pace and do our own thing.

Na this isn't gonna be easy but for once lets channelise our energies in the right direction however insipid the studying might get cos its the end that matters and at the end when one has a CS its gonna be such a high. Yup! :-) This seems doeable or undoeable? Would Dad have approved of it? I wonder if he would have. All this while I wanted to run away to Africa, Afghanistan and even Iraq and I guess I still would wanna but for my poor Mother heheh! Naaaa this is what I am gonna do. I made up my mind now.

Sunshine on my shoulders

Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy

Sunshine in my eyes can make me cry

Sunshine on the water looks so lovely

Sunshine almost always makes me high

If I had a day that I could give you

I’d give to you a day just like today

If I had a song that I could sing for you

I’d sing a song to make you feel this way

Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy

Sunshine in my eyes can make me cry

Sunshine on the water looks so lovely

Sunshine almost always makes me high

If I had a tale that I could tell you

Id tell a tale sure to make you smile

If I had a wish that I could wish for you

I’d make a wish for sunshine all the while

Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy

Sunshine in my eyes can make me cry

Sunshine on the water looks so lovely

Sunshine almost always makes me high

Sunshine almost all the time makes me high

No I don't wanna like you not one bit, not at all..

I think I should be the last person to be falling for someone that too when its a long distance thingie. I am soooooooo insecure and I just don't make things easier for myself. Not needed only. All this texting and talking.Unknowingly he'll make me get use to him and then I'll start expecting and then I don't know. If he vanishes for too long I start feeling like a psycho wondering why hasn't he messaged or called and whats wrong.
I so wish I was unaffected but I am not. Ditzy darlin' what am I gonna do now since I am falling headlong into it I think. Can I stop myself from falling and plunging and hurting? Gimme a safety jacket please. I don't even know you well enough to like you. Sigh! Am I imagining the liking or its mutual?Are we on the same page or we'll just keep gliding along aimlessly like the rest?

Will you walk with me in my life Ditzy?

And I am smiling again. Sigh! Cos all of a sudden this 6ft something tall man sitting a thousand miles away makes me happy with the smallest of things like messaging me or asking me if I am single or wanting to know what kinda music I like. Darn I'd thought nobody could like me back as much as I like the person. Maybe you do or maybe you will. :-) But I am plain old gleeful today cos I know I've been lonely and sitting around waiting for someone like you for the longest time to the point that I made myself start believing that it isn't gonna happen and its only for other people not me. But again I still hoped and kept hoping in my heart of hearts. Fuddy Duddy will you walk with me in my life Ditzy? :-)