I am not good at this. This not talking at all yet waiting patiently. I suck at this royally. I know that you ain’t well and you can’t talk and all of that but what I don’t understand is you snapping or maybe I do understand but I just expect you to be a little affectionate even if it is a one minute conversation. I am not rude to you ever but then again I am not this sick ever. There I answered my own question. I hate the silence, this not responding to my messages, not answering my calls when you feel like it. I wonder how you’d react if I fell sick and you couldn’t see me or if I didn’t feel like talking to you day after day cos I was in no position to or if I was in a bad mood. Would you be alright with it if I snapped at you like you do? I am not gonna be bothering you rather smothering you with my texts and calls now. You are better off without them. I am not needed and I so feel that. I want more and I honestly believed you’d give me that kind of mental security but I have begun to believe that this is only gonna be about you. Yes I am insecure and yes I have self esteem issues and no you don’t have to deal with them. All I wanted you to say was I am still there and you don’t do that. When I ask you if you are coming down to India you make it a point to say you are coming down to Kolkata. Thanks but I expected you to come to Delhi cos the British High Commission happens to be in Delhi. I don’t want anything and you can carry on with your life and I am livid right now for your indifference or whatever it is. You were sick and I understand that but what I don’t understand is your constant bad moods. I don’t get that and I don’t have the patience to deal with this. I am too old and I don’t think you like me as much.

My True Calling

Dear God,
Remember those silly annual letters I wrote to you when I was 16 or 17. Even if you don’t I do and I remember all I ever asked was for love, love , and love. I cringe when I say this and I am also a teeny meeny bit shamed but the next decade or so was more or less spent searching for love again. And what a futile search it was cos when I least expected it love walked into my life just like that and you know what the door wasn’t even open as such but I guess it knocked rather politely and I let it in. Anyways this letter isn’t supposed to be about the realization of my teenage/ early twenties/mid-twenties dream of finally being secure and loved. This is about what I wanna do in life and what makes me happy. Last 5 years or so as you must have noticed I have pondered and thought a lot about what I wanna do and what makes me happy. I know I have a law degree and yada yada yada and that I never really got down to practicing it the way I wanted to. I can find a couple of reasons like the lack of motivation in me, circumstances and little or no interest at all in what I was doing as to why today I am stuck in this job that I so cannot relate to. So this job definitely isn’t me and I do not see any reason why I should fool myself any longer. At the same time I am not gonna be leaving this job and walking away cos after all this is my bread and butter darling. For the longest time I nurtured those dreams of going abroad and studying and I thought the day wasn’t far that I would finally set sail for that much awaited journey. But of course I never did and that never stopped me from envying other people who had the perseverance and luck to have lived that student life in some beautiful and prestigious university campus abroad. Maybe it isn’t meant to be or whatever it is the reality being this is where I am here today and don’t get me wrong I still want that degree but somehow it never seems to fit into my plans or my life as a lot of things don’t fall into place. I am not exactly your favourite child and I am not holding that against you. But tell me the truth I am not one of your lucky children who kind off got everything right in life. I am not complaining I promise you that and I am not even counting my blessings. This isn’t a “ Thank you God for all that you gave me” letter. I know you have given me more than you have taken away. But what you took away was immense and it has impacted my life in more ways than one. You have made it a little more difficult for me. I think it is also because you think I am stronger and that I can handle all of this and yes you were correct I am strong. I am strong and a tad bit unlucky maybe but I can handle that. Just sometimes though I get this feeling that there are greater things in store for me and I get this urge to go out there and conquer the world in my own small way. I don’t wanna be falling flat on my face though which actually initially I shall. That is the way it is with me. Nothing really comes easy but I have accepted that. So I am finally gonna give in to that urge of mine that has been gnawing me inside for half a decade or so and I am gonna write a book. Bless me God. Pray that I can produce a book that can have an audience or rather readers. I wanna write. Yes I wanna write for a living but until I begin I’ll never know if my writing can be worth a living. Give me the determination and inspiration to be able to write one whole book. Will you? I wanna be able to weave stories that enchant my readers that hold them spell bound. I wanna write an unputdownable book. My biggest inspiration has been JK Rowling but don’t worry I am not gonna tread down her path of the fantasy genre. She is the Queen no doubt. Nor can I ever hope to be a Stephanie Myers who got lucky at the right time with the vampires. No I am gonna be Priyanka Ghosh trying to write her one solitary book and trying to see if there is place for her in the sun. Will the others just squeeze me in somehow? I am not gonna be that hot shot corporate lawyer that I thought I wanted to be nor am I gonna be that business woman from an ivy league b school. I am meant to write and as each day passes I realize that all I wanna do is write and write. So here I am. This is my beginning. Wish me luck God. Pray that I finally found my true calling. Yeah that is what its gonna be called “My True Calling.”

Love,
Me

Somedays I am sad...

And I read a blog post that reminded me of you. Reminded me how you must have felt and still feel maybe. I guess I could and couldn’t relate to it. I don’t even know why but I decided to mail you after 3 weeks of cutting myself off completely. It has been therapeutic, this cutting away completely. Like you said I am an ostrich and ostrich I shall be. I am glad you don’t read this blog and don’t know of its existence. Anyhow receiving that auto-response from your account surely made me feel a teeny meeny bit silly or just ridiculously foolish.
I think we grow older only to become more and more cold and numb. If this had happened a couple of years earlier I would have been broken. Now it is easier to make myself believe that it never happened. That is the only way to make peace with myself. Many days I even forget that you were there in my life for that short span of time and that you are gone forever. I imagine what it would be like to bump into you. I always think of myself as successful , happy, doing very well for herself and slim of course and one fine day we bump into each other on the street on a rainy day in London or Paris or even New York almost as if strangers were passing by.
I always always think of us running into each other in London. Silly me. You’ll be your old jovial, witty self and with an insipid girl who’ll be far removed from what I am. Yeah you have a thing for lifeless women with dead pan expressions on their faces. I‘ll be me all joyful and you’d be astounded to see me after all these years and wondering how I landed up in your city and you never heard a word of it. You’ll look at me and realize what you missed out on. I won’t feel a thing cos I wouldn’t like the you that you turned out to be. No I wouldn’t be in love with the you that you are gonna be.

Baby If you are stingy then I am just not that Into You...

I finally did snap out of it and it happened in a split of a second during that 10 minute conversation and I saw *** for exactly what *** is worth. I guess this experience has actually made me appreciate some people in my life whose generosities never seemed larger than life before but now from my perspective they do. I knew about the big bad world before and I knew about those wolves who came dressed in the sheep’s clothing or the devils who are on the prowl under the garb of an angel. Met a very interesting variety of people in the last couple of years or so but this time I am actually baffled on how someone can have all the right credentials and look so regular and yet when you scratch beneath the surface something so fundamental is oh so wrong. Bottom line being baby if you are gonna be this stingy then I am just not that into you. Period.

And now you know...

I know you but I don’t know you. We’ve met but we haven’t met. Do I miss you? Hmmmm no but I can grow to miss you. I have so many questions in my mind. I wonder if I can make you laugh or I wonder if the time would fly when we are together. Together as in friends together and don’t worry I don’t hope for anything melodramatic and out of the blue. I have no idea how this is gonna be. I wish I could say that I am totally convinced about you and me but I am not cos I actually have no idea what you think of me but for the fact that I can fluster you and get you all worked up when you think I am angry with you. I like talking to you but I keep waiting for that one perfect conversation. I love your patience though cos I wasn’t born with much of it. That is something I have to learn from you if you are gonna be around in my life in the way I want you to. You know I never knew what I was fishing for when I first started pinging you hoping that one day you would ping me back. I must’ve pinged you some 4 times before you got around to take notice of me and pinging me on your own accord. By then I had kinda forgotten about you thinking this guy just isn’t interested. I still don’t know how interested you are. I remember bugging Par and Shivi about what I should talk to you about on chat and later how to sustain a conversation on phone. I remember writing points down before our nightly conversations and the conversations just never turned out to be the way I wanted them to. Everything has been so unexpected and I mean it. It just isn’t the way I thought it would be and maybe its gonna continue in the same fashion. I am clueless Sunshine completely clueless. The funniest being the fact that you call yourself Sunshine and that is what I use to call S. S was my sunshine but didn’t quite turn out to be my sunshine at the end of it.

I was so much in agony yesterday and I was dying wondering when are you gonna call, when are you gonna react and do I make any difference to you? I hate playing hard to get but with you I am compelled to play hard to get at times. I don’t wanna scare you with the intensity of my emotions. I try so hard to play cool, act like I don’t care half as much as I do. Sigh! But now you know. Yes you know.

Here I come

And Company Secretary it is. That is what we are gonna be in another 2 years or so. Yes! :-) We are gonna work in an audit firm and earn loads of mullah and we are finally gonna work as an Independent Consultant at our own pace and do our own thing.

Na this isn't gonna be easy but for once lets channelise our energies in the right direction however insipid the studying might get cos its the end that matters and at the end when one has a CS its gonna be such a high. Yup! :-) This seems doeable or undoeable? Would Dad have approved of it? I wonder if he would have. All this while I wanted to run away to Africa, Afghanistan and even Iraq and I guess I still would wanna but for my poor Mother heheh! Naaaa this is what I am gonna do. I made up my mind now.

Sunshine on my shoulders

Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy

Sunshine in my eyes can make me cry

Sunshine on the water looks so lovely

Sunshine almost always makes me high

If I had a day that I could give you

I’d give to you a day just like today

If I had a song that I could sing for you

I’d sing a song to make you feel this way

Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy

Sunshine in my eyes can make me cry

Sunshine on the water looks so lovely

Sunshine almost always makes me high

If I had a tale that I could tell you

Id tell a tale sure to make you smile

If I had a wish that I could wish for you

I’d make a wish for sunshine all the while

Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy

Sunshine in my eyes can make me cry

Sunshine on the water looks so lovely

Sunshine almost always makes me high

Sunshine almost all the time makes me high