Thursday, November 18, 2010

Nothing seems to be right. I cannot seem to make up my mind on anything. Everything feels wrong, so wrong. Nothing is falling into place. Seems that since Baba passed away everything has just gone hay wire in my professional life and personal life. I don't like what I do. I made such a big big mistake coming back here. This is just a waste of time. There was nothing new that I picked up. Plus on top of that I cannot seem to make up my mind on anything. Like should I do an MBA or not. Do I have it in me to do an MBA or whether I should just do an MSc in International Relations or should I play it safe and do a cheap course or take a risk. Top most on my mind being am I cut out for an MBA at all or am I just joining a bandwagon. Will I only ever make wrong decisions? I am sick of this confusion. Please give me clarity, please give me clarity of thought. I hate this constant state of unrest. How happy was I thinking I am going to England for Christmas and New Year and now all my excitement has just dissipated. Its like he never was. I know he'll be so hurt eharing it but now it feels like he and I never were. Were we soooooo wrong together that he had to fall so sick? Sometimes I feel there is nothing worth living for, nothing to look forward to. Am I a coward? I am sick of making the so called wrong choices. Please change this, please change this. I beg of you. Do you hear me? I don't like what I do. Help me find my true calling God. Please please help me find my place in the sun. I want all this confusion to end. I am sick of not knowing what I want. I want the right thing to feel right. Not the wrong things to feel right and realising later on it was all wrong. That is exactly what my relationship feels like right now. I want to find something that I love to do. Help me with that. Help me with that. Please I beg of you. Help me find myself. Help me find something I love to do. Something that I am born to do. Please please there must be something. I do not like dealing in bricks and mortar. I do not like working under nasty psycho partners. I wanna do something I love. I wanna be bloody good at what I do. Like bloody bloody good. I want to study and find the job that has eluded me so long. I want to live in another city where I can make my life again and forget my past history but for my Mum, my Sis, my Aunt, my Uncle, my Great Aunt and my dearest friends who keep my sanity alive. I am over and done with this quest for love. Love can come when it wants to, when it feels like it. I do not want to be surrounded by some 100 men but no one with whom I have a realistic chance of happiness with. But first and foremost is my career please please just help me with this. Please make him get well and get up. I am just dying of guilt. What sort of a situation have I landed myself in? What have I done to deserve this? I didn't ask for this. I thought we would be happy and I thought he wouldn't fall sick. I thought we wouldn't have any communication problems and all we would have had to deal with would be finances. I feel so alone and I feel so guilty for having gotten into this cos now Ma will have to shell out the money for the air tickets and I can't even say I am not going. This isn't fair on Ma at all. She doesn't deserve this anxiety that I am causing now. I feel I have failed in every way, as a daughter, as a professional. There just seems to be darkness everywhere. I am sooooooooo unhappy. Sometimes I just wanna jump off my balcony and end all this confusion. Everybody will be happy. Ma and Bonu will miss me. I won't have to make decisions that will hurt C and make me look like I was a fair weather friend. His Mother won't curse me and my family then. It'll be over, over for good. No more choices to make. No more efforts to look happy. No more envying people. It'll be over. I'll be gone. Gone for good.

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