There is so much I have been wanting to write but somehow cannot get down to. So I almost walked down a different path and then by some freak of chance I realized no I probably do not want this right now and I know X is gonna hate me for this but I do not get a good feeling about ‘this’ and ‘us’. Plus the way the past few months have shaped out only strengthened my resolve that no we are just not meant to be and our paths are different. This guilt is eating me now. This guilt of calling this entire thing almost off or rather me cancelling my England trip is apparently being equated to me being a fair weather friend. Dear X when was I ever around when the sun was shining for you to label me a fair weather friend? I know maybe I should have dealt with my fears earlier and thought about this before getting into this . I had taken my time but my most horrible fears came true and to make matters worse you stopped communicating. That is something I cannot handle. It is different when you read something up on websites and different when I realized how my life would turn out to be faced with such a possibility for the rest of my life. Yes I am selfish, extremely selfish all of a sudden. I don’t know how long I am gonna be living with my guilt pangs.
But the thing that has come out of this entire thing is that I am giving my long forgotten dream a renewed shot. I realize that being alone is better than being in something that I don’t know. I can handle loneliness but I cannot handle you being there only in name and not in spirit. So I might as well be alone. I might as well reconcile myself to a couple of years of loneliness. This is my last chance to go out there. My last chance.