I am goin to HARDWARD in 2012. Period.

I know all I need to do is to take that flight and you'll be there waiting for me with open arms. I want to but I am petrified of hospitals and sickness. Please forgive me. I know nobody will make me feel the way you did. But I am just not that strong enough.

And there are days when I am up at 3 in the morning wondering what is the right thing to do and why is sleep evading me. Am I wicked and horrible and why this emotional nightmare? I am sorry please forgive me but I do not see myself living that life. I feel caged and claustrophobic. Please let me be, please let me be. I am there as a friend but don’t expect me to take on more. I cannot. I am not that strong or I don’t wanna be that strong. I can only take on my own burdens and not somebody else’s right now cos my basket is full and had been overflowing for the longest time. Now it seems I am getting a grip back into what I had wanted to be before fate wrecked havoc with my life and plans and dreams. Just leave me alone. Don’t cry and don’t make me do something out of guilt and pity. It is so unfair. I know I made a mistake but pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeee don’t hold me responsible for something I was not a part of until 3 months back

There is so much I have been wanting to write but somehow cannot get down to. So I almost walked down a different path and then by some freak of chance I realized no I probably do not want this right now and I know X is gonna hate me for this but I do not get a good feeling about ‘this’ and ‘us’. Plus the way the past few months have shaped out only strengthened my resolve that no we are just not meant to be and our paths are different. This guilt is eating me now. This guilt of calling this entire thing almost off or rather me cancelling my England trip is apparently being equated to me being a fair weather friend. Dear X when was I ever around when the sun was shining for you to label me a fair weather friend? I know maybe I should have dealt with my fears earlier and thought about this before getting into this . I had taken my time but my most horrible fears came true and to make matters worse you stopped communicating. That is something I cannot handle. It is different when you read something up on websites and different when I realized how my life would turn out to be faced with such a possibility for the rest of my life. Yes I am selfish, extremely selfish all of a sudden. I don’t know how long I am gonna be living with my guilt pangs.
But the thing that has come out of this entire thing is that I am giving my long forgotten dream a renewed shot. I realize that being alone is better than being in something that I don’t know. I can handle loneliness but I cannot handle you being there only in name and not in spirit. So I might as well be alone. I might as well reconcile myself to a couple of years of loneliness. This is my last chance to go out there. My last chance.

Nothing seems to be right. I cannot seem to make up my mind on anything. Everything feels wrong, so wrong. Nothing is falling into place. Seems that since Baba passed away everything has just gone hay wire in my professional life and personal life. I don't like what I do. I made such a big big mistake coming back here. This is just a waste of time. There was nothing new that I picked up. Plus on top of that I cannot seem to make up my mind on anything. Like should I do an MBA or not. Do I have it in me to do an MBA or whether I should just do an MSc in International Relations or should I play it safe and do a cheap course or take a risk. Top most on my mind being am I cut out for an MBA at all or am I just joining a bandwagon. Will I only ever make wrong decisions? I am sick of this confusion. Please give me clarity, please give me clarity of thought. I hate this constant state of unrest. How happy was I thinking I am going to England for Christmas and New Year and now all my excitement has just dissipated. Its like he never was. I know he'll be so hurt eharing it but now it feels like he and I never were. Were we soooooo wrong together that he had to fall so sick? Sometimes I feel there is nothing worth living for, nothing to look forward to. Am I a coward? I am sick of making the so called wrong choices. Please change this, please change this. I beg of you. Do you hear me? I don't like what I do. Help me find my true calling God. Please please help me find my place in the sun. I want all this confusion to end. I am sick of not knowing what I want. I want the right thing to feel right. Not the wrong things to feel right and realising later on it was all wrong. That is exactly what my relationship feels like right now. I want to find something that I love to do. Help me with that. Help me with that. Please I beg of you. Help me find myself. Help me find something I love to do. Something that I am born to do. Please please there must be something. I do not like dealing in bricks and mortar. I do not like working under nasty psycho partners. I wanna do something I love. I wanna be bloody good at what I do. Like bloody bloody good. I want to study and find the job that has eluded me so long. I want to live in another city where I can make my life again and forget my past history but for my Mum, my Sis, my Aunt, my Uncle, my Great Aunt and my dearest friends who keep my sanity alive. I am over and done with this quest for love. Love can come when it wants to, when it feels like it. I do not want to be surrounded by some 100 men but no one with whom I have a realistic chance of happiness with. But first and foremost is my career please please just help me with this. Please make him get well and get up. I am just dying of guilt. What sort of a situation have I landed myself in? What have I done to deserve this? I didn't ask for this. I thought we would be happy and I thought he wouldn't fall sick. I thought we wouldn't have any communication problems and all we would have had to deal with would be finances. I feel so alone and I feel so guilty for having gotten into this cos now Ma will have to shell out the money for the air tickets and I can't even say I am not going. This isn't fair on Ma at all. She doesn't deserve this anxiety that I am causing now. I feel I have failed in every way, as a daughter, as a professional. There just seems to be darkness everywhere. I am sooooooooo unhappy. Sometimes I just wanna jump off my balcony and end all this confusion. Everybody will be happy. Ma and Bonu will miss me. I won't have to make decisions that will hurt C and make me look like I was a fair weather friend. His Mother won't curse me and my family then. It'll be over, over for good. No more choices to make. No more efforts to look happy. No more envying people. It'll be over. I'll be gone. Gone for good.

Who said I cannot talk? Yes I can talk and rock the world I shall with my verbal ability. Who said I ain’t worth it? Who said I don’t have it in me? I do have it in me and I am not going to let speech be an impediment in realizing my dreams. This is my life now and this is all I have for now. This is what I have to do now. I am gonna give GMAT and I going to get a decent score and I am going to go to a good B school and get that MBA degree. I know what I am doing and I am not gonna be this lost lost soul always confused about what she wants.
And no stammering is never going to come in the way. It is all in the head. I speak well. When I speak people listen to me. I speak freely. I am not going to sit by the side on the fence watching life pass me by. I am not going to be indecisive. MBA it is gonna be period. Come on you cannot keep dallying and dallying all the time. I am not gonna waste my life doing absolutely nothing at all. I am not gonna let my dreams remain a dream. There is way more to me and I am way better than all this. I am a confident young woman on her way to achieve her dreams. Yes I woke up late but realization always strikes me a little later. I am gonna do this. I am gonna work on my speech. I am not gonna let my stammering and my low self confidence get the better of me. I am way better than that. This cannot be it. This never was it. There is a whole new world out there waiting to be explored.
Goodbye stammer. You have played havoc for too long. You have held the superior hand for too long. There is no place for you in my life. No place at all. Good bye.

I am not good at this. This not talking at all yet waiting patiently. I suck at this royally. I know that you ain’t well and you can’t talk and all of that but what I don’t understand is you snapping or maybe I do understand but I just expect you to be a little affectionate even if it is a one minute conversation. I am not rude to you ever but then again I am not this sick ever. There I answered my own question. I hate the silence, this not responding to my messages, not answering my calls when you feel like it. I wonder how you’d react if I fell sick and you couldn’t see me or if I didn’t feel like talking to you day after day cos I was in no position to or if I was in a bad mood. Would you be alright with it if I snapped at you like you do? I am not gonna be bothering you rather smothering you with my texts and calls now. You are better off without them. I am not needed and I so feel that. I want more and I honestly believed you’d give me that kind of mental security but I have begun to believe that this is only gonna be about you. Yes I am insecure and yes I have self esteem issues and no you don’t have to deal with them. All I wanted you to say was I am still there and you don’t do that. When I ask you if you are coming down to India you make it a point to say you are coming down to Kolkata. Thanks but I expected you to come to Delhi cos the British High Commission happens to be in Delhi. I don’t want anything and you can carry on with your life and I am livid right now for your indifference or whatever it is. You were sick and I understand that but what I don’t understand is your constant bad moods. I don’t get that and I don’t have the patience to deal with this. I am too old and I don’t think you like me as much.

My True Calling

Dear God,
Remember those silly annual letters I wrote to you when I was 16 or 17. Even if you don’t I do and I remember all I ever asked was for love, love , and love. I cringe when I say this and I am also a teeny meeny bit shamed but the next decade or so was more or less spent searching for love again. And what a futile search it was cos when I least expected it love walked into my life just like that and you know what the door wasn’t even open as such but I guess it knocked rather politely and I let it in. Anyways this letter isn’t supposed to be about the realization of my teenage/ early twenties/mid-twenties dream of finally being secure and loved. This is about what I wanna do in life and what makes me happy. Last 5 years or so as you must have noticed I have pondered and thought a lot about what I wanna do and what makes me happy. I know I have a law degree and yada yada yada and that I never really got down to practicing it the way I wanted to. I can find a couple of reasons like the lack of motivation in me, circumstances and little or no interest at all in what I was doing as to why today I am stuck in this job that I so cannot relate to. So this job definitely isn’t me and I do not see any reason why I should fool myself any longer. At the same time I am not gonna be leaving this job and walking away cos after all this is my bread and butter darling. For the longest time I nurtured those dreams of going abroad and studying and I thought the day wasn’t far that I would finally set sail for that much awaited journey. But of course I never did and that never stopped me from envying other people who had the perseverance and luck to have lived that student life in some beautiful and prestigious university campus abroad. Maybe it isn’t meant to be or whatever it is the reality being this is where I am here today and don’t get me wrong I still want that degree but somehow it never seems to fit into my plans or my life as a lot of things don’t fall into place. I am not exactly your favourite child and I am not holding that against you. But tell me the truth I am not one of your lucky children who kind off got everything right in life. I am not complaining I promise you that and I am not even counting my blessings. This isn’t a “ Thank you God for all that you gave me” letter. I know you have given me more than you have taken away. But what you took away was immense and it has impacted my life in more ways than one. You have made it a little more difficult for me. I think it is also because you think I am stronger and that I can handle all of this and yes you were correct I am strong. I am strong and a tad bit unlucky maybe but I can handle that. Just sometimes though I get this feeling that there are greater things in store for me and I get this urge to go out there and conquer the world in my own small way. I don’t wanna be falling flat on my face though which actually initially I shall. That is the way it is with me. Nothing really comes easy but I have accepted that. So I am finally gonna give in to that urge of mine that has been gnawing me inside for half a decade or so and I am gonna write a book. Bless me God. Pray that I can produce a book that can have an audience or rather readers. I wanna write. Yes I wanna write for a living but until I begin I’ll never know if my writing can be worth a living. Give me the determination and inspiration to be able to write one whole book. Will you? I wanna be able to weave stories that enchant my readers that hold them spell bound. I wanna write an unputdownable book. My biggest inspiration has been JK Rowling but don’t worry I am not gonna tread down her path of the fantasy genre. She is the Queen no doubt. Nor can I ever hope to be a Stephanie Myers who got lucky at the right time with the vampires. No I am gonna be Priyanka Ghosh trying to write her one solitary book and trying to see if there is place for her in the sun. Will the others just squeeze me in somehow? I am not gonna be that hot shot corporate lawyer that I thought I wanted to be nor am I gonna be that business woman from an ivy league b school. I am meant to write and as each day passes I realize that all I wanna do is write and write. So here I am. This is my beginning. Wish me luck God. Pray that I finally found my true calling. Yeah that is what its gonna be called “My True Calling.”

Love,
Me

Somedays I am sad...

And I read a blog post that reminded me of you. Reminded me how you must have felt and still feel maybe. I guess I could and couldn’t relate to it. I don’t even know why but I decided to mail you after 3 weeks of cutting myself off completely. It has been therapeutic, this cutting away completely. Like you said I am an ostrich and ostrich I shall be. I am glad you don’t read this blog and don’t know of its existence. Anyhow receiving that auto-response from your account surely made me feel a teeny meeny bit silly or just ridiculously foolish.
I think we grow older only to become more and more cold and numb. If this had happened a couple of years earlier I would have been broken. Now it is easier to make myself believe that it never happened. That is the only way to make peace with myself. Many days I even forget that you were there in my life for that short span of time and that you are gone forever. I imagine what it would be like to bump into you. I always think of myself as successful , happy, doing very well for herself and slim of course and one fine day we bump into each other on the street on a rainy day in London or Paris or even New York almost as if strangers were passing by.
I always always think of us running into each other in London. Silly me. You’ll be your old jovial, witty self and with an insipid girl who’ll be far removed from what I am. Yeah you have a thing for lifeless women with dead pan expressions on their faces. I‘ll be me all joyful and you’d be astounded to see me after all these years and wondering how I landed up in your city and you never heard a word of it. You’ll look at me and realize what you missed out on. I won’t feel a thing cos I wouldn’t like the you that you turned out to be. No I wouldn’t be in love with the you that you are gonna be.