I am not good at this. This not talking at all yet waiting patiently. I suck at this royally. I know that you ain’t well and you can’t talk and all of that but what I don’t understand is you snapping or maybe I do understand but I just expect you to be a little affectionate even if it is a one minute conversation. I am not rude to you ever but then again I am not this sick ever. There I answered my own question. I hate the silence, this not responding to my messages, not answering my calls when you feel like it. I wonder how you’d react if I fell sick and you couldn’t see me or if I didn’t feel like talking to you day after day cos I was in no position to or if I was in a bad mood. Would you be alright with it if I snapped at you like you do? I am not gonna be bothering you rather smothering you with my texts and calls now. You are better off without them. I am not needed and I so feel that. I want more and I honestly believed you’d give me that kind of mental security but I have begun to believe that this is only gonna be about you. Yes I am insecure and yes I have self esteem issues and no you don’t have to deal with them. All I wanted you to say was I am still there and you don’t do that. When I ask you if you are coming down to India you make it a point to say you are coming down to Kolkata. Thanks but I expected you to come to Delhi cos the British High Commission happens to be in Delhi. I don’t want anything and you can carry on with your life and I am livid right now for your indifference or whatever it is. You were sick and I understand that but what I don’t understand is your constant bad moods. I don’t get that and I don’t have the patience to deal with this. I am too old and I don’t think you like me as much.

My True Calling

Dear God,
Remember those silly annual letters I wrote to you when I was 16 or 17. Even if you don’t I do and I remember all I ever asked was for love, love , and love. I cringe when I say this and I am also a teeny meeny bit shamed but the next decade or so was more or less spent searching for love again. And what a futile search it was cos when I least expected it love walked into my life just like that and you know what the door wasn’t even open as such but I guess it knocked rather politely and I let it in. Anyways this letter isn’t supposed to be about the realization of my teenage/ early twenties/mid-twenties dream of finally being secure and loved. This is about what I wanna do in life and what makes me happy. Last 5 years or so as you must have noticed I have pondered and thought a lot about what I wanna do and what makes me happy. I know I have a law degree and yada yada yada and that I never really got down to practicing it the way I wanted to. I can find a couple of reasons like the lack of motivation in me, circumstances and little or no interest at all in what I was doing as to why today I am stuck in this job that I so cannot relate to. So this job definitely isn’t me and I do not see any reason why I should fool myself any longer. At the same time I am not gonna be leaving this job and walking away cos after all this is my bread and butter darling. For the longest time I nurtured those dreams of going abroad and studying and I thought the day wasn’t far that I would finally set sail for that much awaited journey. But of course I never did and that never stopped me from envying other people who had the perseverance and luck to have lived that student life in some beautiful and prestigious university campus abroad. Maybe it isn’t meant to be or whatever it is the reality being this is where I am here today and don’t get me wrong I still want that degree but somehow it never seems to fit into my plans or my life as a lot of things don’t fall into place. I am not exactly your favourite child and I am not holding that against you. But tell me the truth I am not one of your lucky children who kind off got everything right in life. I am not complaining I promise you that and I am not even counting my blessings. This isn’t a “ Thank you God for all that you gave me” letter. I know you have given me more than you have taken away. But what you took away was immense and it has impacted my life in more ways than one. You have made it a little more difficult for me. I think it is also because you think I am stronger and that I can handle all of this and yes you were correct I am strong. I am strong and a tad bit unlucky maybe but I can handle that. Just sometimes though I get this feeling that there are greater things in store for me and I get this urge to go out there and conquer the world in my own small way. I don’t wanna be falling flat on my face though which actually initially I shall. That is the way it is with me. Nothing really comes easy but I have accepted that. So I am finally gonna give in to that urge of mine that has been gnawing me inside for half a decade or so and I am gonna write a book. Bless me God. Pray that I can produce a book that can have an audience or rather readers. I wanna write. Yes I wanna write for a living but until I begin I’ll never know if my writing can be worth a living. Give me the determination and inspiration to be able to write one whole book. Will you? I wanna be able to weave stories that enchant my readers that hold them spell bound. I wanna write an unputdownable book. My biggest inspiration has been JK Rowling but don’t worry I am not gonna tread down her path of the fantasy genre. She is the Queen no doubt. Nor can I ever hope to be a Stephanie Myers who got lucky at the right time with the vampires. No I am gonna be Priyanka Ghosh trying to write her one solitary book and trying to see if there is place for her in the sun. Will the others just squeeze me in somehow? I am not gonna be that hot shot corporate lawyer that I thought I wanted to be nor am I gonna be that business woman from an ivy league b school. I am meant to write and as each day passes I realize that all I wanna do is write and write. So here I am. This is my beginning. Wish me luck God. Pray that I finally found my true calling. Yeah that is what its gonna be called “My True Calling.”

Love,
Me