First Love

As I lie down in the same bed you spent nights with your now wife, after your wedding, I am just tickled by the ironies of life. Isn’t it wonderfully morose that you were the first boy, yes boy because you were only 9 years old then, whoever professed his love for me and here I am lying down on your bed, spending so much time in your bedroom, going through your wedding pictures on your desktop and even looking through your personal files in those carefully arranged folders. I do feel guilty sometimes when I see those pictures because some part of me feels I am violating your privacy and you have no idea as you sit far far away living your picture perfect life. But some pictures are meant to be broken and those cracks have already appeared in my mind. I never intended for it to be like this but I had no other place to take shelter after my broken engagement and your folks were generous enough to let me stay at their place for a couple of weeks. So here I am committing a breach of your privacy every single day. I never wanted it this way. I never wanted to have anything to do with you or the likes of you after the only time we passed by each other after we grew up. We did recognize each other that night, 3 years back at that bar in CP and we looked through each other so beautifully. You looking like a GQ model while drinking your bottle of beer, sitting with your fragile, China doll of a girlfriend, who effortlessly emanates bohemian chic, with your arm casually draped around her and me with my then customary Bloody Mary, smoking a cigarette and blowing smoke rings in the air, in defiance of all I was not and couldn’t care to be.I would have been married this coming Friday to an ugly, fat and dark, obnoxious man and what a perfect nightmare it would have been. There you go I am entirely too honest. But the fact of the matter being this had nothing to do with him being ugly and everything to do with all that he could never be. He could never be tall, thin and gorgeus like you. Now I know why I almost always like tall, thin men because in my head the first boy I ever truly liked grew up to be tall, skinny, nerdy, dreamy. As for me, well on my good days you could call me charming and on my bad days I am neurotic and irrational and the rest of the days I am just plain cold. How different it would have been making love with you as opposed to being in bed with someone I was never in love with and almost got married to. I shudder even when I think of that possibility.The truth also is that all this time that I am spending in your room, amidst your books, your music, your writings, well I haven’t been this much at peace with myself in years now. The truth also is I am not feeling lonely at all and there is isn’t an ounce of envy left in me. I am also no psychotic stalker and you might have been my childhood sweetheart but that is that and we grew up to be different people or so I thought. Apparently we aren’t as different as I thought we were. We could have been friends, yeah we definitely could have been friends. Hahah! Another time, another life maybe.

Dearest World,
I don’t feel like coming back to full time life. I need some time to recover or some time just to sit around and enjoy the nothing to worry about feeling and I don’t think I am gonna be allowed to do that. Hmmphhhhhhhh! And I am not down in the dumps but I do wanna take time off. Work seems so lifeless and looks like there is so much to be done. I wanna be hibernating for a bit. I don’t wanna feel scared all the time. I know I don’t have to be scared but I do feel scared every now and then especially when the doorbell rings or my phone rings. I don’t wanna see any one of those familiar numbers flashing and nor do I wanna see any unwelcome person standing outside my door at an ungodly hour at night. That is the reason I wanna go away and vanish and be incommunicado for a while.
Love,
A Disgruntled Me