And I am having a bad day. Dear God please please take this feeling away. I don’t wanna feel bad about J at all. I am sorry for everything and sorry that I got involved with him but please take this feeling away. I beg of you. I can’t stand to see him every day and not be with him. It fickin hurts man and what have I done to deserve this? Pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee I am tired of feeling bad. Its been three months nowwwwwwwwww and I need to move on. They say ask and so shall receive and so I am asking pleaseeee I wanna be free and happy and not miserable that I feel every now and then and no expectations pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Just let me be happy pleaseeeeee. Dear God pleaseeeeeeeeeeeee I want this pining to go awayyyyyyyy Gawddddddddd. I don’t wanna feel anything. If I knew it would hurt so much I never would have. I am begging you to make me feel normal again. I thought everything was alright until yesterday when I broke down again. There seems to be no solution but to move on. I can’t run away. I have to stay right here alone and see him each day so pleaseeeeee make me stronger and help me. God I ask you for your help. Please help me. Please please help me.

"To be hopeful in bad times is not just foolishly romantic. It is based on the fact that human history is a history not only of cruelty, but also of compassion, sacrifice, courage, kindness. What we choose to emphasize in this complex history will determine our lives. If we see only the worst, it destroys our capacity to do something. If we remember those times and places--and there are so many--where people have behaved magnificently, this gives us the energy to act, and at least the possibility of sending this spinning top of a world in a different direction. And if we do act, in however small a way, we don't have to wait for some grand utopian future. The future is an infinite succession of presents, and to live now as we think human beings should live, in defiance of all that is bad around us, is itself a marvelous victory."
--Howard Zinn

I have never ever written a happy post on this blog. This blog always seems to be the blog where I write unspeakable things. Like how tired am I off waiting and how cranky I get everytime I am the recepient of unwanted attention and how the most random people seem to be interested in me except the two people I would genuinely be happy about.
You know J I keep waiting for that one day when I wake up in the morning and do not feel the way I do. It'll be gone like wooooossshhhhhhhh gone and I'll be free and happy. Either that or you'll wake up one day and realise that damn it she is the one and I am in love with her. Neither of that seems to be happening and I continue to feel as miserable as I have been feeling for the last two months but for 3 weeks in the middle.
Double A I don't even know what happened. Where did I go wrong? I was soooooooooo wrong about our chemistry or am I an idiot to think there was more to it than there was. Was it not worth a shot? I don't know and I never will know. All I know is I miss your presence in my life and I miss that voice of yours and your texts and our long conversations late into the night and your driving to work and back from work calls, your silly and not so silly questions and I am plain lonely without someone like you in my life.