And there are days when I am up at 3 in the morning wondering what is the right thing to do and why is sleep evading me. Am I wicked and horrible and why this emotional nightmare? I am sorry please forgive me but I do not see myself living that life. I feel caged and claustrophobic. Please let me be, please let me be. I am there as a friend but don’t expect me to take on more. I cannot. I am not that strong or I don’t wanna be that strong. I can only take on my own burdens and not somebody else’s right now cos my basket is full and had been overflowing for the longest time. Now it seems I am getting a grip back into what I had wanted to be before fate wrecked havoc with my life and plans and dreams. Just leave me alone. Don’t cry and don’t make me do something out of guilt and pity. It is so unfair. I know I made a mistake but pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeee don’t hold me responsible for something I was not a part of until 3 months back

There is so much I have been wanting to write but somehow cannot get down to. So I almost walked down a different path and then by some freak of chance I realized no I probably do not want this right now and I know X is gonna hate me for this but I do not get a good feeling about ‘this’ and ‘us’. Plus the way the past few months have shaped out only strengthened my resolve that no we are just not meant to be and our paths are different. This guilt is eating me now. This guilt of calling this entire thing almost off or rather me cancelling my England trip is apparently being equated to me being a fair weather friend. Dear X when was I ever around when the sun was shining for you to label me a fair weather friend? I know maybe I should have dealt with my fears earlier and thought about this before getting into this . I had taken my time but my most horrible fears came true and to make matters worse you stopped communicating. That is something I cannot handle. It is different when you read something up on websites and different when I realized how my life would turn out to be faced with such a possibility for the rest of my life. Yes I am selfish, extremely selfish all of a sudden. I don’t know how long I am gonna be living with my guilt pangs.
But the thing that has come out of this entire thing is that I am giving my long forgotten dream a renewed shot. I realize that being alone is better than being in something that I don’t know. I can handle loneliness but I cannot handle you being there only in name and not in spirit. So I might as well be alone. I might as well reconcile myself to a couple of years of loneliness. This is my last chance to go out there. My last chance.

Nothing seems to be right. I cannot seem to make up my mind on anything. Everything feels wrong, so wrong. Nothing is falling into place. Seems that since Baba passed away everything has just gone hay wire in my professional life and personal life. I don't like what I do. I made such a big big mistake coming back here. This is just a waste of time. There was nothing new that I picked up. Plus on top of that I cannot seem to make up my mind on anything. Like should I do an MBA or not. Do I have it in me to do an MBA or whether I should just do an MSc in International Relations or should I play it safe and do a cheap course or take a risk. Top most on my mind being am I cut out for an MBA at all or am I just joining a bandwagon. Will I only ever make wrong decisions? I am sick of this confusion. Please give me clarity, please give me clarity of thought. I hate this constant state of unrest. How happy was I thinking I am going to England for Christmas and New Year and now all my excitement has just dissipated. Its like he never was. I know he'll be so hurt eharing it but now it feels like he and I never were. Were we soooooo wrong together that he had to fall so sick? Sometimes I feel there is nothing worth living for, nothing to look forward to. Am I a coward? I am sick of making the so called wrong choices. Please change this, please change this. I beg of you. Do you hear me? I don't like what I do. Help me find my true calling God. Please please help me find my place in the sun. I want all this confusion to end. I am sick of not knowing what I want. I want the right thing to feel right. Not the wrong things to feel right and realising later on it was all wrong. That is exactly what my relationship feels like right now. I want to find something that I love to do. Help me with that. Help me with that. Please I beg of you. Help me find myself. Help me find something I love to do. Something that I am born to do. Please please there must be something. I do not like dealing in bricks and mortar. I do not like working under nasty psycho partners. I wanna do something I love. I wanna be bloody good at what I do. Like bloody bloody good. I want to study and find the job that has eluded me so long. I want to live in another city where I can make my life again and forget my past history but for my Mum, my Sis, my Aunt, my Uncle, my Great Aunt and my dearest friends who keep my sanity alive. I am over and done with this quest for love. Love can come when it wants to, when it feels like it. I do not want to be surrounded by some 100 men but no one with whom I have a realistic chance of happiness with. But first and foremost is my career please please just help me with this. Please make him get well and get up. I am just dying of guilt. What sort of a situation have I landed myself in? What have I done to deserve this? I didn't ask for this. I thought we would be happy and I thought he wouldn't fall sick. I thought we wouldn't have any communication problems and all we would have had to deal with would be finances. I feel so alone and I feel so guilty for having gotten into this cos now Ma will have to shell out the money for the air tickets and I can't even say I am not going. This isn't fair on Ma at all. She doesn't deserve this anxiety that I am causing now. I feel I have failed in every way, as a daughter, as a professional. There just seems to be darkness everywhere. I am sooooooooo unhappy. Sometimes I just wanna jump off my balcony and end all this confusion. Everybody will be happy. Ma and Bonu will miss me. I won't have to make decisions that will hurt C and make me look like I was a fair weather friend. His Mother won't curse me and my family then. It'll be over, over for good. No more choices to make. No more efforts to look happy. No more envying people. It'll be over. I'll be gone. Gone for good.

Who said I cannot talk? Yes I can talk and rock the world I shall with my verbal ability. Who said I ain’t worth it? Who said I don’t have it in me? I do have it in me and I am not going to let speech be an impediment in realizing my dreams. This is my life now and this is all I have for now. This is what I have to do now. I am gonna give GMAT and I going to get a decent score and I am going to go to a good B school and get that MBA degree. I know what I am doing and I am not gonna be this lost lost soul always confused about what she wants.
And no stammering is never going to come in the way. It is all in the head. I speak well. When I speak people listen to me. I speak freely. I am not going to sit by the side on the fence watching life pass me by. I am not going to be indecisive. MBA it is gonna be period. Come on you cannot keep dallying and dallying all the time. I am not gonna waste my life doing absolutely nothing at all. I am not gonna let my dreams remain a dream. There is way more to me and I am way better than all this. I am a confident young woman on her way to achieve her dreams. Yes I woke up late but realization always strikes me a little later. I am gonna do this. I am gonna work on my speech. I am not gonna let my stammering and my low self confidence get the better of me. I am way better than that. This cannot be it. This never was it. There is a whole new world out there waiting to be explored.
Goodbye stammer. You have played havoc for too long. You have held the superior hand for too long. There is no place for you in my life. No place at all. Good bye.