I sat on the park bench today and cried my heart aloud. I was being a baby. You don't sit on park benches in foreign countries and cry out aloud unless you wanna look like a fool. I felt like one. I felt down, low, disillusioned. I am tired of finding happiness inside of me time and time again. I am tired of being my own knight in shining armour. It isn't easy. I know I can be alone and happy and independent but now it is tiring me. I wanna lean on someone. I am tired of doing this entire jiggy alone. On bad days or rather when some bad news disturbs me, I sometimes crave for a hug or to be just held and to be told it'll be alright. I know I'll have to continue this show alone cos tears are not the answer to anything. Crying it out doesn't help. The tears stop, you get up, wipe them off and walk on. It helps when after all your howling on that park bench you get a text from a friend saying "coffee and icecream"? You can't believe your luck. You text them back so relieved that atleast someone heard your crying prayers. I remember this Richard Bach quote I read when I was younger and some part of me took it too seriously. Arghhhhh! "We wait all these years to find someone who understands us, I thought, someone who accepts us as we are, someone with a wizard's power to melt stone to sunlight, who can bring us happiness in spite of trials, who can face our dragons in the night, who can transform us into the soul we choose to be. Just yesterday I found that magical someone is the face we see in the mirror: It's us and our homemade masks .All these years and at last we met. Imagine that...." I know I am strong, I know somedays I feel like magic, I am funny, I am smart, I am quirky and all of this and that. I can be rock solid,I can be ridiculously stupid, silly, I can make a complete fool of myself, I can be a moron, I can be quite the brazen hussy, I can be the Queen Of Self Pity, I can be an embarassment, I can hate myself, I can be a love sick heartbroken looney for years, I can be this pining, needy, clingy girl, I need self assurance every now and then, I can hit rock bottom, I can shock you, I can be the bestest friend to some of my friends, I can be quite the bitch,I can be lost in the dark, I won't recognise myself then, I'll hate myself, I can get out of all of that self hate and self loathe and find myself again, I can manage to metamorphose into this woman I am today, this woman I knew I could be, wanted to be, but somehow hadn't had the courage to be, this woman I am growing to love. I love myself on most days these days. I love my curves, I love my big butt, my big bust, I never thought I would. I made peace with my scanty hair, I love the brown colour of whatever hair that is left, the fact that it looks brown in the sun. I found something I love to do. Is that the reason? I don't know if I can manage to do that for the rest of my life though. I wish and pray I can do this forever, earn a decent living through this. I never ever thought I would find this "me" again. I lost this me for 12 whole years. I wish I found love though. I stopped looking for it as much as I did my entire twenties. The kinds that'll fill my emptiness and take this ache away. I don't need to find myself through him. I just need him to walk by my side. I already found myself, I did. And I did all of that all by myself. But now I need a partner, I so do. I don't want crumbs God.