I make up these scenarios in my head and live in denial. All these stories that I conjure which might never happen. At least I don't think about you. I try not to. I want to write this long post about you, how you make me feel and all of that and how I do wanna meet you again and again in a good way. How I do wanna go away but want you to be a part of the happiness in my life. Not the part where I pine for you like I have pined the last couple of months. Not the part where you vanish for days altogether. Some days I am like am I a fool or not?  How could I ever fall for that! Mum says I am sensitive yet very strong and resilient. Maybe I am all of that but I didn't ask for this. We never do. Do we ask to set our hearts on emotionally unavailable people? How do I do this to myself time and time again?

I don't want to write about how much I'd want you to figure this out and come around. It is futile. I don't even look for signs anymore. I stopped looking for them years back. Signs can be so misleading. I keep listening to some songs again and again but I also know life isn't a movie no? I wish it was, I wish you woke up one fine day with this unbearable empty feeling inside of you realising I am the one who you are missing and rush back to India looking for me, looking for an answer. But how many times have I wanted people in my past to do that and how many actually did? Only R maybe and look how it ended. I hurt him sooooooooo badly. I did not mean to but I did. I read my old blog posts and realise how I never meant to be the bitch I ultimately was or the coward I looked like at the end. I gave up but only cause I did, he met this fabulous, gorgeus, lovely girl and they lead such a happy life. I wasn't lucky for him.

I imagine S and I. The way we use to be and then I imagine S falling in love with me. How badly I wanted it then. The only person who filled me up to the brim without touching me was S. That is my idea of love. Rest it has been only emotional neediness. Too many stories, too many people come and gone. I am tired. I am tired of asking the Universe for the right kind of romantic love. Just look at my blog posts. I look like an emotional idiot. I keep asking, wanting, pining. Nothing changes as such. I meet strange, stranger, strangest people. All these emotionally unavailable charming people. On bad days I pray to Dad to send the right man into my life fast. I wonder if Dad listens. Sigh! Goodbye A. I wish so many things but it is pointless writing it down or putting it in words. Have a good life. I refuse to be sentimental and say anything.